STUDY STUDY STUDY!

I found out that I must have made a good grade on my BIOL Lab final, because I ended up with an A in the class. Before my final, I had a 91 average and I was scared that I did bad on my final, and it could possibly bring it down to a B. So I am really excited about that. So far that is the only final I have taken and gotten a grade for. I am studying for my History and Biology final now. I am pretty confident that I will do good on both of those finals. I am just really nervous about my math final. I was kind of upset the other day when I got my last test before the final back. I thought that I had done really well, but I ended up making a 78. Usually Ms. J gives us points just for writing the correct steps to the problem, even if we end up getting the wrong answer, but she didn't do that this time. She said she still had some bonus points to add, so maybe I'll get lucky and have a low B afterwards. I know I have at least a high B average in math, and even if I don't do so hot on my final, I will more than likely still have a grade of at least a 75 to receive credit for the class. But I want to take my final feeling confident I made a good grade because I did the best I could. Even though it will say CR or NCR as my final grade, I still want to feel like I left that class with an A. I thought math would be the death of me, but it wasn't too bad this past semester. I really need to focus on math because that is my weak point. I am just glad that the final will be multiple choice :P

Quote

"If you don't risk anything, you risk more." - Erica Jong

I can relate to this quote in at least one significant way recently. I have been in a relationship for 3 years now. Really only half a year out of our relationship has been worth calling a relationship. So I guess you may be wondering how we even made it to three years. We do both "love" each other. I wouldn't say at 15 I really knew what the word "love" was, but I sure used it frequently like I knew all about it. Even today being 18 I still haven't figured out what it really means to be in love. I don't think an 18 year old should have to try to decode this mysterious word. When you're 18 you're really just starting out your life. You're in college and you're beginning the path to your future career. Well, at 15, this guy was my first boyfriend. In the past I had some "relationships" where there were mutual feelings, but I was too young and my parents greatly disapproved of any idea of dating. Which leads me to what this quote means to me. I have been thinking a lot lately about why I am settling for less. I struggle with myself because sometimes I just know this relationship isn't right for me, but I'm afraid to leave it. I guess I have become comfortable with where I'm at. I'm afraid of putting myself back out there trying to find the "right" one. What if I have to go through a bunch of jerks and end up being a lonely 25 year-old still searching for Mr. Right. But if I don't risk anything, I will never know who may be out there for me. Who knows? Maybe there's a guy that will make me forget about all the qualities and expectations I look for in a guy, because he's just that great. Maybe a guy that brings out the best values in me, and makes me feel more confident than ever. If I don't risk leaving this relationship that just goes in cycles from bad to good to bad, then I will never know what potential could be out there. A guy that could maybe change my life in an extremely positive way could be out there, and it's up to me to find out.

Confusion

Sometimes I just don't get people. I had added this guy on Facebook a while back because I had seen him around at shows, and we had a few mutual friends, and he goes to AUM so I figured why not try to make friends with people that go to the same school as me. He also took one of the classes I was going to be taking, so I figured I could ask him for help if I needed it, because I am terrible at math, but sadly so was he, so he wasn't much help anyway. Well, at the time we began talking he was having problems with his relationship. Him and his girlfriend were on a break, and I could relate to him. The problems he described having in his relationship were identical to mine in my own relationship. I would talk with him and try to give him advice and tell him not to give up because the girl was obviously worth fighting for. I could tell he really liked her. Even loved her. We ran into each other a few times at school. I also saw him at Warped Tour this past summer, and I told him and he asked why I didn't come say hey to him, so I figured if I saw him at school I would say hey next time. We talked a few times in person and then all of a sudden he started talking to me less and less, until he just completely stopped. Him and his girl got back on track, and I'm happy for him, but I don't understand why all of a sudden when things become good with his girlfriend, he completely ignores my existence. He did say that he got jealous when his girl talked to guys, and I'm sure his girl probably gets jealous when he talks to girls. I don't know. Something just seems fishy on his part. We were getting to be good friends and that just stopped dead cold. Guys are stupid. Not only are they impossible to date, but apparently they're impossible to be friends with too. Ha But I will keep trying and working on my own relationship for the time being.

And Now I Wait...

So I just applied to Auburn University. This will be my second time applying, and I am hoping since I will be a transfer student the admission process will be a lot easier and smoother. Basically, I am hoping this time that I actually get in. Last time I applied I had good grades, but my ACT score was a mere 21. I guess that is what kept me from getting in. I have been working so hard this semester and currently have a 4.0. At least I'm pretty sure I do since I have been making all A's. Maybe a B once in math. I am just really really hoping I get in! This has been a dream of mine. I have been waiting for this moment to apply again. I am the first of 3 children to graduate. Though my brother got his GED and is attending Middle Georgia Tech right now, I am still the only child to have graduted and gone to college. I want to prove myself at a big university like Auburn. So far I like it at AUM, but I went to a small private high school and I want to be in a new environment, and really be out on my own. If I did get accepted into AU, I would more than likely be living in an apartment and have a job trying to pay for groceries and gas and other neccessities. I am hoping to get an academic scholarship, because that will help greatly. Getting into AU would open so many new doors for me and I am ready to jump right in! But I will have to wait a couple months before I find out the verdict-in or not.

Concussion

I used to go to shows a lot, but now I rarely attend. Maybe that's a good thing. I remember once when I went to a show in Auburn, I got a concussion. There are people moshing all around because this was a hardcore show, and I thought I would be safe just standing up against the wall. I was with my boyfriend, his friend, and our other friend and his girlfriend. We were all pretty much standing against the wall, but eventually Wes and Chris started goofing off, and Thomas and Lee were off to the side doing their own thing. I wasn't really paying attention, and it only took a second for me to get slammed into the wall. I remember feeling like a car had slammed into me, and I remember feeling my head hit the wall. After that I could feel myself falling to the ground as I began to black out. My boyfriend said he caught me before I hit the ground, and he threw me over his shoulder and carried me off to a chair and sat me down. I was out for about 5 minutes. I remember slowly gaining consciousness and hearing people calling my name. When I finally opened my eyes I saw my boyfriend's face and he looked so worried. He gave me some water and told our friends standing next to me to watch after me. Apparently he asked the people in charge of the venue if they had any plastic bags or ice, and they didn't so he went across the street to the gas station to get me a bag of ice to put on my head. While I was waiting, me and our friends went to a quiter room. It had a skateboard ramp in it, but nobody was using it, except to sit on it. I layed down on a platform thingy and Lee tried to cheer me up by making me laugh. The guy who slammed me into the wall came in and apologized to me. He asked if I was ok, and to my surprise he wasn't a big guy. He was kind of short and of average weight. Maybe a little under. I thought for sure with the force that I felt hit me, it would have had to have been the huge guy I saw earlier with the septum ring that made him look like a bull. I appreciated him coming and apologizing, I even told my boyfriend when he finally got back. But that didn't stop him from punching the guy dead in the face when they went back out to the show. He told me they were all in a pit and he pretended to be moshing and swung his arm around and punched the guy. I didn't find this information out until almost a year after the show. It pissed me off because the guy didn't mean to slam me into the wall. When I got home from that show, I kept having frequent headaches, and my head where it hit the wall was very tender. I went to the doctor and they did a CAT scan but found nothing wrong with my head. My doctor told me I may have had a mild concussion, and that these headaches I have might come and go for the rest of my life. I guess she was right, because ever since then, I have more headaches than usual. I used to only get a few minor headaches here and there, but now I have them all the time. Sometimes so painful I can't even open my eyes because they start to tear up. Now if I do go to a show, I am sure to keep my distance from crazy moshers.

Holiday Drama

This Thanksgiving was pretty good. There was not really any drama, but there were a couple of scares. My brother has been having problems with his heart and his blood pressure is way higher than it should be for someone his age. His doctor even told him that he is a stroke waiting to happen. He has also developed a condition of having panic attacks, and they really scare him because he says they make him feel like he is going to die. When he had his first one, he didn't know what was happening. He thought he was having a heart attack so he called 911 and two ambulances came to our house and took him to the ER. They said everything was pretty much fine with him, besides his high blood pressure. He had another panic attack over Thanksgiving break, except it was when he was driving on his way home from Georgia. He had to pull over and once again called an ambulance. My parents had to drive all the way to Columbus to go get him from the hospital, and my dad had to drive his camaro home. I didn't even know my dad knew how to drive a stick (but I guess that's a dumb thought because every guy I think knows how), but apparently everybody in my family but me knows how to. I just didn't think about it because it was my mom who taught my brother how to drive a stick. Anyway..On the way home with my mom, my brother called me because he needed someone to talk to because he was feeling another panic attack coming on. I came home that night and arrived home maybe a minute before they finally got home. My brother was glad to see me because I am the only one who really understands him. I used to have panic attacks, so I can help him learn how to cope with them. Right now, he is doing much better. He is learning how to stop his panic attacks from happening. Other than that, I think the only other drama was all the food from Thanksgiving was gone by the next day and we had no leftovers :( But I guess it's inevitable to keep food around when you have eight people in the house, 3 of which can eat a dinner for 4 by themselves. Oh yea, and it was kind of dramatic when my grandma, uncle, and brother went back to Georgia. My brother tells me he hates it over there because he can never have any privacy. My grandma is always hovering over him, checking up on him every 5 minutes. He looked so depressed when he was getting ready to leave; I felt bad for him. But he will be back home soon for Christmas/New Years break. He gets a whole month off.

Realizations

I had a pretty good Thanksgiving break. My grandma and uncle came to visit, and my brother also came because he attends college in Georgia and stays with my grandma. My brother and I are like best friends, but we weren't always that way. I am just glad that we can call ourselves close today. I was also close to my grandma until I found my boyfriend and started spending my free time with him instead of visiting in Georgia. I was glad to see my mama, as I call her, and she was really happy to see me too. It felt good to have everyone together in one place, especially during the holidays. It made me realize how much I miss spending time with my family. I used to complain because we never really did anything as a family anymore, like go to movies or the beach, maybe even out to dinner. But now I am thankful for the time I do share with my family, even if it is just sitting in the den watching the History Channel with my dad, or watching some lame reality show with my mom. Now that I am in college, though only a Freshman and still living at home, I realize that my time with my family is limited. I will eventually transfer to Auburn University, be living in an apartment there, and maybe see my family every other weekend. And then when I finally graduate, I will be moving on to start my own life most likely in a state minimum 11 hours away. I have been thinking a lot lately about where I will be in ten years. I am sure I will be married, and have at least one kid, and be living in our happy home together, but will I have time for my family? I'll miss not seeing my family whenever I want to. Right now they are just a few steps outside of my bedroom door. But eventually they will be a whole plane ride or 11 hour road trip away. If I could, I would pack my family up with me and cram them in my future home with me, but I know that isn't possible. I am even debating whether or not to transfer yet, or wait another year. I know I will have to grow up and be on my own sooner or later, but I have had a lot of missed time with my family, simply because I chose time with my boyfriend over time with family. I regret not having been home as much as my parents would have liked me to have been, and I don't want to live life in the future regretting not having spent time with my family. I don't want to be at my parents' funerals thinking about the time I could've spent with them, but chose not to. Sometimes I think too much and just jump right in and can't stop..